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You, out there in Brideland, you sweet thing ... Are you planning your wedding so that it will be perfect in every detail? Do you expect it to be the happiest day of your life? Miss Manners sincerely hopes not.
Few of those who prattle about that "happiest day" seem to consider the dour expectations this suggests about the marriage from its second day on. They don't realize that a wedding reception is basically a large party, and is therefore not perfectible because there are too many variables, not to mention too many people who one thought would not accept the invitation. At any rate, someone whose idea of ultimate happiness is a day spent at a big party, even spent being the center of attention at a very marvelous big party, is too immature to get married.
This notion of a wedding persists, often working directly against the purpose of a wedding, which is to create a new family, and not to put cracks and strains in old ones. Miss Manners' advice to young brides is to plan weddings that will be pretty and festive, but not to attempt to make them grand on a scale unrelated to the rest of their lives, and not to expect them to be perfect. Many an otherwise lovely bride has turned ugly attempting to create a "dream" occasion and to make everyone else conform with her conception of their roles in it.
A warning that one has strayed too far afield is an excessive preoccupation with everything's being done "right". Weddings are rare events in most people's lives, and Miss Manners has no objections to the participants' seeking advice on correct form. She dispenses such advice herself, right and left. But if one needs professional direction -- not just help or advice -- in EVERY aspect of the wedding, it may mean that one hs wondered into completely foreign social territory and should think about heading home. One's wedding should be a heightened version of one's best social life, not an occasion for people to attempt to play grand and unfamiliar roles in a fantasy play.
Another warning about expecting a perfect day is that this carries a built-in potential for disappointment. (There are adults who go through life expecting other people to make their birthdays perfect for them and if you ever meet one of these, watch out. Nothing will ever be enough for them.)
What Miss Manners wishes all brides is NOT the happiest days of their lives, but a jolly gathering of family and friends, in which they are the object of general admiration but EVERYONE has a good time. They will then have some happiness left over with which to live happily every after.
So, if you're planning for perfection, you can stop that now.
Just enjoy!
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