[DNC]

My fiance's father remarried 5 years ago, very shortly before my fiance moved away to attend university. As such, while my fiance gets on well enough with his step-mother when they see each other, he isn't close to her and has never met most of her family.

We want a small, intimate wedding, with around 50 guests, those who know us personally and to whom we are close. As she doesn't have children of her own, his step-mother appears to be expecting all of her (very large) family to be invited. Not only would this put a massive strain on our budget, which we are solely responsible for, and likely further snowball the guest list, we have no desire to invite people we've never even met to an intimate celebration of our marriage.

Kindly advise as to whether we're being unreasonable, and if not, how to proceed with his step-mother.

Thank you.

[Etiquette Now]

Dear DNC,

It might be best for your fiancé to speak to his father explaining that your wedding will be small, intimate, and only include those with whom you are close--no inviting, no arguing. If she brings it up again, one reply could be: "Since we want a small event, perhaps you can host an event some time in the future where we can meet all of your family." Another idea is that she can host a second reception closer to where most of her family lives. This is common. But, if they all live close, that wouldn't be polite. It would be as if they weren't important enough to invite to the "real" reception.

Best wishes,

[The Mannersmith]

I completely agree with Rebecca. Your fiance should speak directly to his father. He should express that he is fond of his new step-mother, but as you are having a small event, only those people who have been a close part of your lives will be invited. A reception in your honor hosted by the step-mother to meet her family is a lovely idea...sometime after the wedding.

[I Love You Too]

I literally had the same uncomfortable situation with my family when I was planning my wedding. So uncomfortable my now former step-mother's family all asked me when our wedding was so they could put it on the calendar and then finished with, "well we are invited right?" Yes, awkward. My father and step-mother happened to separate months before our wedding so I did not have to go through with my plan BUT we were planning on doing two receptions. One with our closest family members and friends - planned and executed as we wanted. And one with my former step-mother's family - super low key and nothing too extreme. We also discussed doing a brunch too which can be really low-key but intimate at the same time. Both can be held at a relatives home or a local restaurant near the family - I would ask for your step-mother's preference on this one so she feels included and a part of the planning process if she isn't taking the reigns herself.

[Etiquette Now]

Just an FYI: Although hosting multiple receptions is fine, we could have a couple of issues if not planned properly. All wedding guests must be invited to the entire reception. This is only an issue if there is more than one reception hosted on the wedding day, say a cake reception directly after the wedding and then a dinner later. It could appear as if those invited to the dinner are more important than those invited to only the cake reception (this is fine though for the open church wedding where most guests are not really invited to the wedding). Another issue is that guests shouldn't be expected to open their wallets. So, if hosting a belated reception or one that is held for family living in another town (typical reason for hosting more than one reception), we would "host" all of it, including picking up the entire restaurant tab.

It could appear improper if we host multiple receptions in the same town, because it could appear as preferential treatment toward one group or as if the couple thinks the groups can't be civil in the same room. So, these would have to be planned very carefully.