[annas]

I have a major problem. My mom has been dating someone for the past three months, and says he is 'the one'. The problem is that we have to send out our invitations soon, and I do not want to invite her boyfriend. We will be getting married in a small ceremony in Hawaii, with a larger reception when we get back home. I have met him, and cannot imagine having him at our intimate ceremony because he just rubs me the wrong way. I know my mom, and I know that she will want to invite him, so I would have to make it very clear that he is NOT invited.
My question is: Do I have to invite him to the 'destination' ceremony in Hawaii? Would it be appropriate to only invite my mom? And, how do I handle the situation of having this discussion with my mom? Any suggestions?

[Etiquette Guy]

Dear Annas,
I understand your question and in the end the decision is yours. But, I would suggest that family is the most important social unit we as human beings have and should be cherished. I believe in supporting one another in all but the most extreme of situations. Be grateful for having your mother. From a strict etiquette point of view, insulting one's own mother comes high on the list of don'ts. My recommendation, without knowing any back story, is that they should be invited as a couple.

[The Mannersmith]

I agree with Jay's points about respecting one's parents and making the wedding day about family. But I also think you may be getting ahead of yourself. I recommend inviting your mother and then waiting to see what she says. She may already know how you feel and be ok with only inviting him to the mainland reception. If she does ask about bringing her current beau, you can very kindly say that you need to check with your betrothed about the logistics and you will let her know asap. Then speak with your fiance and decide if you can extend the invitation. At this point, I would default to inviting him. In the long term, if your mother does marry him, you will be glad you respected her wishes. Good luck!

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

According to etiquette, you're really not obligated to invite anyone with a guest unless they are married, engaged or have been in a long term relationship. I think this is especially a good rule when the wedding is private so only those the bride and groom know well are invited, and especially true when the "guest" is someone who makes you uncomfortable.

Of course, we're talking about the mother of the bride here, so tread lightly. If it were me, I'd go to your mother and discuss your wedding desires with her, reminding her that you will be inviting her new boyfriend to the stateside reception and that, although she feels like he is "the one", she hasn't been dating him long enough for you to get to know him and invite him to such an intimate affair. If she balks a lot, you may want to reconsider just how uncomfortable you are with this man vs, pleasing your mom.

Side note: As a widowed mother, having dated a couple of times before settling on "the (new) one", I know the feeling of attending these sorts of events alone, and also know how, at the time, he may seem like the one. Just a mother's perspective for you to ponder.

I hope you give all of this a lot of thought and let us know how it works out.

[Bridal Consultant]

Excellent advice by all! I agree that you may be getting ahead of yourself. My momma always told me, "Don't borrow trouble." After reading your post, it seems that you may have already concluded that this will be a mess. It may be...BUT it may not be.

When making your guest list, it is YOUR decision whether singles (including family members) will be invited with a guest. I generally encourage brides to invite singles to bring a guest unless it's a budget issue or space issue. Here are some do's and don'ts for you to ponder that I've gathered from etiquette resources over the years:

Do let them invite a guest if:

Your guest is a close relative
Your guest is a friend and you've met their significant other a few times
Your guest is a bridal party member
You are concerned that your guest may feel uncomfortable being alone

Don't let them invite a guest if:

Your guest just started dating someone
You have never met your guest's significant other

One final thought: There is nothing wrong with asking your mom how she feels about not bringing her beau. If she asks why you ask, then maybe you could approach it from the angle of not knowing him that well and you'd like it be just family. However, family is important and if you DO bend in this area you'll be glad you did if he becomes part of the family and it's time for family dinners around the dining room table!

Best Wishes!

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

True. And that said please always be sure to get the name fo the guest to print on the invitationso that you don't end up withsoe random date.