[Seashell]

Hi,
My fiance is very "Old-Fashioned" which I like, but regarding my engagement ring, he insisted that he shop for it by himself. We had been planning on getting engaged for awhile before he actually went shopping and I gave him some pretty specific ideas of what I wanted in a ring. I know that he did not have a lot of money and when he proposed after shopping for it for sometime and visiting several jewelers, I was not crazy about it at first, but I kept quiet because I did not want to make a big deal about it and I know how much he wants to make me happy... Well, a few days later he asked me if I liked it and if I was satisfied with it. Because I have promised myself to be honest with him, I did not answer right away but my silence told him "no". At that point I was not sure if I didn't like the entire ring or just that the center stone was what I did not like. At any rate, we went to the jeweler after having a very difficult discussion about this during which he stated he was very hurt because he searched for months trying to find something that he could afford that he thought I would like. I ended up deciding to keep the band part which I do like, but choosing a larger princess cut stone which we put on a layaway. I am not a jewelry wearer and I have waited a very long time for the right man to come along and propose (first marriage at 42) so having a diamond ring (that I can be thrilled about) means a great deal to me (I also am not the kind of person who expects alot from a man as far as being "wined and dined" and is very easy-going regarding those things). I was trying so much to explain to him that this "one thing" would mean so much to me as he felt very hurt and did not understand for a few days. I also tried to explain it from a woman's perspective about engagement rings, etc. We finally got it resolved and I told him that he can make it a pre-wedding present and take the next year to pay it off. I feel so much like I am just being too fussy, but actually I am very appreciative of the things that he does do for me. I feel however that since he would not go shopping with me (he wanted to surprise me) that it was a risk that he would take in selecting a ring that he thought would satisfy me 100%. Now also in reading much of these posts I am starting to feel like a major jerk, but I just cannot bring myself to wear this ring forever (I am wearing it until he gets the other diamond paid off) and not feel disappointed and I do not want to have that feeling persist in our marriage. I know that this probably makes me look very selfish but this is the only thing that I really feel particular feelings about (engagement ring). We do have it resolved, but I just want to get some perspective with this situation. We also picked out very plain and inexpensive bands which I am fine with. Those darn engagement ring commercials! Sorry this is long, and, thank you!

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

Is there a particular question?

[Seashell]

I am sorry, my question is was I being too fussy about the ring I got?
Thank you...

[Etiquette Guy]

In my opinion, and judging from your boyfriend's reaction to your cold reaction to his question, you have made a big mistake here. It's very hard to mend a broken heart and I think that's what lies ahead of you. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully any token of his love will be enough. The ring is a symbol of his love, not an object that should be judged as not good enough by you.

[The Mannersmith]

Your post is not so much about the ring, but rather about your communication as a couple. (His guessing what you would like, your not liking it, his asking if you did like it, your hesitancy in telling him...)

This is not an uncommon situation. I strongly recommend the two of your seeing a couples counselor. It may be the best wedding gift you two can give each other.

I wish you all the best ~

[Etiquette Now]

I agree that this is much more than a problem with the choice of rings, but more about your relationship going forward and your ability to communicate honestly with each other. It just may be best to seek outside assistance. Learning to communicate honestly is priceless.

[Wedding Queen and MOG]

I don't think you're a jerk, but maybe a victim of societal expectations and, as you mentioned, "those darn diamond commercials". The commercials, the reality shows, the entitlement...oh my! It's a lot of junk to sift through. Try not to allow companies trying to sell things to cloud your view of what makes a ring (or any aspect of the wedding) special.

I also think a little counseling could help (I don't know anyone who couldn't benefit from a little therapy!) and, with money being one of the top reasons for marital issues and breakup, I wouldn't take any chances if you intend to be together forever.

Don't be too hard on yourself...or on the groom. Work together for the greater good.

[Dr. Meredith Hansen]

I do not think that you are a jerk or that you made a "big mistake". Although your fiance's feelings may be hurt, your feelings, no matter what they may be, are valid.

Remember that it is important for couples to learn how to address and deal with differing opinions, needs, and thoughts in a marriage. Once you made the decision to tell your fiance your feelings, it was up to him to decide how he wanted to proceed and to share his own feelings with you. From your post, it sounds like the two of you made a decision together to put a new diamond on layaway. If this was something that he was uncomfortable with he could/should have told you, just as you were honest with him.

Marriage is about learning to work together, understanding one another, and feeling safe enough to express yourself, no matter what the outcome may be. We must be considerate and kind as a spouse, but we must also keep in mind that withholding information or feelings can lead to resentments and marital conflicts down the road.