[rosenlou]

My daughter and her fiancee are inviting 250 people to the wedding. The wedding is taking place in a city where they live, not where they are each from. So most of the guests are from out of town. We are paying for the entire wedding and the brunch the morning after for out of town guests.

If they invite all the out of town people to the rehearsal dinner, we will need to invite 180 people to the rehearsal dinner. I am guessing that about 35-50 people will not be able to attend, but this would still leave us with between 130-150 to invite.The groom's family was planning on hosting about 100-120. Even if we (parents of the bride) offered to help pay for the dinner, the restaurant they have chosen only holds 125 people.

Additionally we have already sent out the Save the Date cards which directed people to the the couple's web site. The website talks about the rehearsal dinner for out of town guests.

How rude would it be to be selective about who we invited to the rehearsal dinner. For example, for some of the guests, the drive is three or four hours, but for some the plane is four or five hours. HELP!

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Rosenlou,

We have very many posts concerning this. It would be best to read them, as your situation is very common.

Careful planning would have been best, because you have a huge problem here. What you are planning is a prewedding reception, which isn't proper. Most of the guests shouldn't be attending the rehearsal dinner. This is a dinner for those who are "rehearsing," plus immediate family. Inviting out of town guests is a nice gesture, but not the best for obvious reasons. There is no way to cut the list off without insulting those not invited.

If guests have not been invited to the rehearsal dinner, it is best not to invite any out of town guests, except maybe grandparents. And, the couple should remove the information about the rehearsal dinner from their site, replacing it with an apology and information about local restaurants.

Best wishes,